Old Friends

Away the wind would take me,
To a far off distant land.
Of meadows of green

and skies of blue,
no adult would understand.
Softly my dreams would take me,

upon a yonder course.
Of misty morning skies of gray,
upon my big white horse.

Alas! I have aged and my hiding
place is gone.I wish that I was

young again,So I may carry on.

But hush, what is that creeping
as I close my eyes to sleep?
The merry friends of childhood,
have come back for me to greet!

1997 Tatjanna Hemsworth

The closing

The warmth upon my shoulders made me feel as i were there.
The wind was fresh and lively as it
played within my hair.
The meadows green and lush
with the morning dew.
Though this may be the closing,
I still remember you.
The scott stone wall wound it's
way cross the broadened lea.
The comfort of your heavenly hands,
tells me you are free.
Your spirit embodies all
that is around.
butterflies cover all from the tree tops
to the ground.
And from this dream,I awake with
tears upon my cheeks.
But now i know within my heart,That
out there you are free.

Sickness

Why am I so cold while
you paint wretched yellow
pictures on a wall of this
old stagnant room?

And you contemplate
suicide as I dream of
red roses and rainy
nights in grey.

And I say shoot, pull the
trigger, so I may smile
in my self indulgence. cry
while you rot.

You turn the barrell at my
sunken face, I smile, and
think only you could blow
me away.

You turn and paint your
nails, the color of oil the
color of our dirty love,
pitch black.

Biting my bloody lips
I ignore the whim to slap
your sullen face, to scratch
away the filth.

I lie on twisted black
satin and watch as you
paint wretched yellow
pictures.

safe

A blue room that houses my
heart. Shelters my soul and
leaves your name on my lips.

Just a word behind clenched
teeth, just a mockery of the
girl I once was. just a name.

But I won't cry, I won't break,
And I will never fall to pieces
does that make you feel safe?

Another day and you seem to
fall away, your touch but a vague
memory left for stormy nights.

My skin has forgotten your touch.
My ears have lost your laughter.
This blue room no longer cold.

There are no more tears and poems
of the unspeakable depths where
I dwelt. Does this make you safe?

inside

Night, leaving me with the
want for more. I drink in the
cold and I am shaking.

I don't want what the light
will offer. I dream of you.
I dream of not waking.

Here in a cathedral of ice
I am me, safe in my vanity,
safe in my creation.

This crystal palace beckons
to be left in self doubt and
a sad celebration.

Here a whispering white moon
never moves, never crosses
never bides her time.

And I search quietly for a silent
companion, to wander in this
frozen world of mine.

Never free , never me

I'll always be the subject of doubt,
the flowerless maiden with crystal
eyes, who seeks nothing but solace.

I'll always be the sheep who follows
wanting nothing more then to shed this
fleece of white, to hide in wolves face.

Never free.. Never me.

I stand here hands bound by chained
ropes of sickness. I struggle and writhe
I shake and tremble in chaste naivity.

My body, My mind Yearns to be free of
the torment placed upon me, to seek a
place where I am welcomed in whole.

Never Free..Never me

But you laugh it off as a displeasured
illusion that will pass with time. Time is
not but a number that my heart has forgot.

In the dark the turmoil, spins and twists
seeking a place where I will be released
from all the lies, the promises and regret.


Never free.. Never me.

Goodbye

Goodbye

All my life i've been seeking
something that wasn't there
a blasphemous lie created
by none other then myself.

"I'm not alone" they say. Yet
in the dark the tears are my
own, Melting into olive toned
flesh, dried into my memories.

Keep your answers to questions
unknown. They are all lies that
only made you feel better. While
casting stones on my bitter heart.

I want to shake these chains and
run from this place in which you
have drawn up around me. I want
to watch it burn, watch it disapear.

Watch me as I escape your grand
hallucination. One cut, one kiss, one
goodbye and I shall fade into the dark
like the others that had amused you.

Done simply, Done quickly, You won't
miss me I know. One jump, one click,
one sip and I am no more. A bitter
taste on your tongue, a single note.

Goodbye is never difficult.

fall away

Emotions stirring from a
wind that has brought back
a pain that had been lost
amongst my sorrow.

Forever, wishing you
would walk away just
waiting to see the iced
walls of tommorow.

I can't laugh in the face of
your shameful destruction
and I cry at the wounds
that are left open.

Lucid apparitions of
what used to be twist
burn and speak forth
from my imagination

So monstrous I turn
to find your arms, I
cannot bear to face
my own creation.

This is when I melt.
This is when I cry.
this is when I fall away.

That reflection, I stare
at. That is not my own
she's a happy lie who
stares back from my mirror

Lost to your anger a
victim who has lost all
hope in flying, lost in
all her filtered terror.

Ensanquined wrists of
crimnson are not without
regret. Left with only a
tale of a love , a lie.

It is all my illusions that
keep me from myself.
imagination, keeps me
awake, I promise not to cry.

This is when I break
this is when I scream
this is when I bleed
this is when I fall Away

Time in motion

Time is Motion

In the begining the time passed
slow, radiating amber light , soft
smiles and small fingers in deep
emerald lawns. refusing to unwind.

With each step it jumped forward a
bit, encouraging wild youth, laughter,
spontanaity and Desperate measures.
leaving a novel of memories in mind.

As things left our control, time stopped
giving room to cry , to mourn and to
breathe as we learned to let go of the
pain that gripped so tightly to the heart.

And it keeps moving, long dark hands
always pointing to the precise moment to
the second that made every difference in
our mundane lives.So that we never forget.

unfinished

Unfinished

I wrote the words as I had
spoke them. As I had once
whispered them in your ear.

And they slip away from me
now. The words are the same
but the meaning has eluded me.

What if your touch was still mine?
What if your kiss was still sweet?
I long to know, it is but a dream.

Spoken on an april breeze. Only
real to me. And so I keep it here
so you will not change it, break it.

The nights when I was fragile, you
did not speak, You stole my words
gave them away like pennies for candy.

Reflections

Reflections, Just a lie painted
with the resemblence of the
person I long to be. She is
not my mirror image.

Not but a shell, a fragment
of who I really am. Just a
false apparition who appears
when reality is to sour.

When I see her in the shattered
image of myself. I long for
green eyes to see me. for
olive skin to embrace me.

How could I bring her here? How
could she teach me to smile?
Could she ever understand who
she really is, deep in this abyss?

Two sides of the same mirror.
Silvers and blacks, melding into
one image that never made any
sense to those who surround her.

There was once one, who knew her
who bore her spirit, who shared my
indifference. Who created her and I
as a whole Identity. Who understood.

He left with the whispers of the fall.
taking the binds that held her and I as
one. shattering the looking glass and
leaving us to seperate the realities.

I am left to wander the darkenss which
engulfs the rooms which he once filled.
I am left to strip the garbs of his broad
humility.while she is left to smile.

She stares into the looking glass. Emerald
eyes shining. Raven hair pulled high. From
here I can taste her lies. I can smell her
pain. Just a reflection which is a lie.

Faded pink flowers

Faded pink flowers
my memory of you
Faded pink flowers
forever turning blue
Petals, like my
battered blue tears
Softly falling, dried,
forgotten by years.
faded pink flowers
left to dry and age
Faded pink flowers
a mask for the rage.
leaves dried, brittle
like thoughts of you.
Green turned to brown.
death to turn to.
faded pink flowers
my memory of you
faded pink flowers
forever turning blue.

King at court

You with your staff of
disgruntled, wharped
and saddened dignity.

Of all the misled kings
of this world how dare
it be YOU who judge ME?

Though your conclusions
may be right. you have
no more room to say.

Like a burning slap to
stinging cheek. pretend
it's all in play.

Does loyalty come at such
a measured cost? Must I
pay the heavy price?

I grow weak of these sad
and muddled games of shit
faced men and mice.

But, the queen has spoken.
The kings must turn up their
noses and obey.

They cut out the heart
and serve it raw. Just
because they may.

Is this the rotten thing
that people do? of which
you always speak?

Come around in your time.
I won't be there my heart
has grown to weak.

And when her highness is
finished with you, will
you know what you lost?

Fame and glamour, jewels
of any kind. Come at such
a heavy, damp cost.

Talk the gossip of the court
the jester that dances, is
none other then you.

Know the difference of those
who lie and those who have
always been true.

Purity

Last night it rained,
tears falling from the clouds
leaving a cool sweat upon
the quiet black street.

Sometime in the night,
the heavy drops were soothed
by the honest flakes, that
kissed the olive trees.

I awoke to a world,
White and pure, wounds now
cleansed, silver blankets
hugging the land.

It wasn't persistant,
Soft clumps, slip and slide
from rooftops and trees,
purity melts in your hands.

In my Heart

In my heart there are things
That i'll never ever say.
But there are words of comfort
for that sad and dreary day.

In my heart there is a pool
of emotions not yet tapped
An atlas of a journey that
I have not yet mapped

In my heart there are songs
that I have not yet sung
but a tune that is familiar
comes rolling off my tongue.

In my heart there is a room
that is painted sorrow blue
I'll gladley paint it anything
as this room belongs to you.

Little Star

Count your blessings little star,
That you don't live upon the ground
Be thankful, that we have never
found a way to pull you down.

Just stay up high, where you are.
Don't be curious or naive.
For the things that get pulled under
cannot find a way to leave.

We will pull the brightness out.
then disect it at our will.
Oppurtunity is what drives us.
we don't care for how you feel.

Stay in heaven little star.
we will only cause you pain.
You will drift among the darkness.
you will never be the same.

Soundless

2 am is like suicide, dark and alone.
the painful silence cuts through me
like a knife to longing wrists.
Time stops, the minutes crawl
by, it's to late to be asleep but
to early to wake up, like the
nights own version of limbo.

Tic toc, drums out the clock,
as if mocking my yearning
to close my eyes. click click.
And I think, I'm talking to a
clock, oh well, continue.

Outside the fog settles like
condensed milk, thick and ungodly.
and the cold taps at my door
waiting for an invitation to
make pimples on my skin.

At 2 oh 7 I am sitting here
conversing with a clock,
screaming at the cold while
watching the light play in the fog.
and yet I've never made a sound.

Sleep

Slipping silver cords entangled
round, charcoal dreams. I
cannot find a way to escape
the echos of your voice.

And I stir from a reality that
paints the yellow lies of the
epic hypocrisy in which I
am not allowed to follow.

Stabbing with your satin blades
you long to push me down.
to sink below your rapids.
to lose myself in you.

For a moment I reach, I
long to be pulled from the
black walls of my solitude.
You can not save me.

I am marked though you
can't see. In here I am alone
to serve the sentence I have
been dealt with in these walls.

I have begged you for asylum,
and you spit on my servitude.
So I am banished, to be alone
within the black walls of my heart.

As Silver coards crush my dreams
silver blade extinguishes my soul
I will meet the night and give to
the enevitable promise of sleep.

Old Friends

Away the wind would take me,
To a far off distant land.
Of meadows of green

and skies of blue,
no adult would understand.
Softly my dreams would take me,

upon a yonder course.
Of misty morning skies of gray,
upon my big white horse.

Alas! I have aged and my hiding
place is gone.I wish that I was

young again,So I may carry on.

But hush, what is that creeping
as I close my eyes to sleep?
The merry friends of childhood,
have come back for me to greet!

Ice

Run your fingers down
my spine, I already shudder
from your words.

Kiss my sweet red lips
taste the indifference you
have left there.

I am no clone, no fool
for your mischeivious
foul deeds.

The memory of your
death is still fresh in my
apathetic state.

I am ice and no longer
are you the warmth to melt
my frozen heart.

So breathe me in, enjoy
the feel of my sultry touch, you
will get no more.

When

Soft slivers of silver invade
the dark corners of this room.
once was the gold of an early
warm autumn. now a dream.

Sixteen, no cares, just you
and me. The wheat moved in
waves among the fields and
you held my hand, my heart.

You'd strum your guitar and
play my favoite song while I
laughed and layed on the grass
staring at big blue sky above.

And the kiss, so sweet so tender
so innocent and warm. There was
no other in this world just you. Hair
of gold eyes of blue, skin so fair.

The years flew by and change is
enevitable, In a grey room of
windows and glass you no longer
gave so freely, I no longer took.

Worn out and estranged you took
what I no longer had to offer. eyes
sunken, body weary from the high
and the low. I no longer loved you.

No goodbyes, just fade away. I
won't see you again. The gold
bleeding to black and my world
chokes on it's own sorrows.

The months rolled by, on your
birthday you came back, not as
yourself but as a child, but I know
those eyes. that smile. it is your own.

And so then the best gift you gave.
returning my autumn and it's gold
colors and the hope of something
more. Something that was lost.

There are nights when I dream and
I hate you less, your smile and silent
happiness melts me again. The sky
is blue like your eyes and I am laughing.

Sometimes

Sometimes, There is beauty in
the darkness. Like the diamond
stars which shine in night sky.

Sometimes, there is love when
it seems everything has been
lost to the only question of, why?

And it never fails, these moments
come when they are needed the
most. When the world is bleak.

Someone takes you by the hand
and pulls you to your feet, when
you can't stand, when you are weak.

Sometimes, when the rain comes
pouring down. There is the warmth
of friends and the touch of love.

Sometimes, When the winter wind
blows, there is shelter. A gift that
some would say is sent from above.

When it seems hopeless and there
is no reason to live with this sad
life. When you just can't go on.

That is when grace interveins.
when you are changed by the
single note of a beautiful song.

Sometimes, Just sometimes there
is reason for hope, There becomes
an excuse to smile, room to live.

Sometimes
Just
Sometimes.

Darkness

My head hung low
In bitter shame.
Such confusion
with me to blame.
Cuts and bruises ,
mark my face.
My mind is gone ,
a different place.
I feel so cold
and all alone.
my spirit broke ,
My pride is gone.
My abuser loved,
no room for hate.
every morning forgotten,
a clean black slate.
There is never a talk,
just screams and fists.
such stonecold words from a loved ones
lips.A child I was
but now grown up.
have not I suffered,
just long enough?

Winter

Winter,cold and bitter ,
has gone.
With him the chills
furious song.
I am melting with the
clean white snow.
With the spring ,my hopes
and dreams must go.
Soon there are flowers
in bloom.
Shuttered away,I am this
room.
From sunlight,I must
always flee.
Crippled from this disgrace
in me.
Wanning for the dreamt
of day,
I may feel warmth upon
my face.
I am lost and oh, so
alone.
These bitter thoughts chill
my bones.
My freezing flesh won't understand.
My frozen heart kept
underhand.
Without you I am
winter.
absolute,cold and bitter.

nonsense

Candy colored dreams toss
about my healing heart, like
fluffy cotton candy at some
three ring circus.

When the show is over, love
lay discarded on cold grey
littered floor. Forgotten for
the the moment.

I was to busy chasing the
raindrops that dripped off
my eyelashes and slip down
blushing cheeks.

If there was sorrow I no
longer feel it there. I may
have left it with the filth
I threw away..

I'm sorry...Perhaps not.


Oh you startled me with
your words, odd like a
satin sweater on an old
white poodle.

And yes, that may have
been a smile. But the humor
was the end of the joke. not
the beginning.

I waited for the punchline.It
never came. So I wrote my
own and it was black and blue.
Much like you.

I'm sorry...Perhaps not.

Did you like me? In my sweet
dresses and clown like makeup.
I could dance in circles if you want.
but you don't.

Maybe I'll kiss your lips, Maybe
I'll just watch for awhile. Like
a raven waiting for her prey
to die, slowly.

Maybe I'll renew that pain. Let
you grasp that spot and just
run with sunshine and lollipops.
Maybe I will.

Perhaps not.

For you my love.

There are stories. The kind
epic Heroes come from. And
I'm sure they were written
for you.

Epic love never dies.

There are songs. With notes
so sweet. They remind me
of your kind, honest face.
My love.

Love songs are heard forever.

There are rhymes, limericks, haiku's
and Odes. That you have inspired.
It has to be true. For they speak of
you dear.

Love exists through poetry.

There are dreams in which it's
just you and I and a sunset of
of tawny and gold. perfection.
for you.

love is an eternal sunset.

There is a heart, right...here.
that beats for you, that thumps
out your name in haunting time.
My love.

My Heart is yours. ♥

Silver white morning

Here I am on a silver white morning.
Where the birds sing their ambitions
to the foggy scene that lies below.

On this morning, thoughts of you
float to the surface of the still
waters of my quieting mind.

Here on a silver white morning
the scent of pine, invades the
senses like your love had.

I wander down the rocky embankment
to the banks of a misty lake. Here we
still exist. like ghosts not departed.

why can I see you? Why can I still
feel the touch of your sweet lips on
mine. Like sweet dew on roses.

Here on a silver white morning, I
feel the pain of your absence. My
heart yearns for your presence.

And yet, the birds still sing, the sun
still burns through the fog and the
pine still awakens you..in me.

Words

Words, Like a babbling brook
spill forth..Sometimes they
are turbulent like the white
caps rushing over rocks.

Words, Like a whispering wind
can arouse the senses or can
chill you to the bone like a
gust on a winters night.

And words can speak to a soul,
break a heart, Inspire dreams,
start a war. but for all that words
communicate in a screaming noise.

It is the silence that speaks loudest.

The other side.

We all want to be the
outcast here.
To hoot to holler and
give a cheer.
Soon the odd becomes
mainstream.
A trickle a tear the loss
of ones dream.
What once was laughed at
so called mad.
Is now the biggest
fashion fad.
They loot it, mock it
call it theirs.
To say whence it came would
split fine hairs.
We all want to be like the
other guy.
Take his wings so he
forgets to fly.
So now the norm has
become mundane.
But even that will be
cool someday.

Alone (while the world rushes by)

Alone, while the world rushes by.
I am iridescent and hollow, a
fragment unnoticed by the crowd.

I speak words of dignity, they
are but a whisper amongst the
screams of the defiled and shamed.

My tongue laden with the weight of
my loneliness. I long to yell to
be heard to be acknowledged.

Evening hours in a rough worn out
bar, they pass like I am a virus
not wanting to be caught.

They dance, drink, kiss and cling
like spandex on a summer night. I
watch as is it is all I can do.

I long for a touch, a conversation,
a moment of meaning. Something to
fill this deceptive void.

Deceptive, I am here, you are there
you speak, you touch, you love. But
then why do I still feel alone?

Sad girl

She's a sad little girl, Upside down
smile with lips painted black. So
sad, so sad.they all must agree.

She's a sad little girl with an
upside down cross. Dressed
all in black, What Satan god?

She's a bad little girl with an
inside out heart, Drinks in
her solitude. bad bad girl.

She's a bad little girl with
backwards ideas, why does
she listen. It preaches of hell!

She's a mad little girl, with
hellfire dreams, and angry
eyes. She'll burn for her deeds.

She's a mad little girl in search
of the one, spitting on god.
Her parents were heathens!

They all like to whisper they
all like to rant. To change the
one thing they know that they cant'.

Aphotic Addiction

APHOTIC ADDICTION.

I hate you,
I swore to never
let you in again.
To tangle my unbidden
thoughts, to thrust your
icy fingers in my skin.
for two years,
you ripped me, tore
me from myself.
Ah, but you have
your fucked up ,
lost minions.
Who follow you,
your spell, wavering
in their veins.
Tempting the ones
who have sought so
long to be free.

You Will not keep me.

You send him in the
cloak of night, Evil
aggression to persuade.
He waves his skilled
hands, and you are
inside me once more.

LEAVE ME.

For I will fight you.
I will not be in your
servitude.
I am no slave to
your cowardly
undertaking.
I am no captive
in my own aphotic
thoughts.
I have been allured by
your shitty promises
to ease my torment.
You will not immerse
me in your sickened,
depraved abyss.

You Will not keep me.

Forever, never again, you will
not have me.

Midnight (DiRtY {PrEtTy}

I Contimplate the world and it's sweet
embrace, while I pluck stars from

*ThE MiDnIgHt Sky*

Rains down, washing away any doubt
of hope and dreams that I have put On

~ PlAiN WhItE PaPeRS ~

sits before me waiting for words, for lines
to portray my emotion, to absorb my

{GrAnDuEr ThOuGhTs}

Can be a savior to a mundane life a doorway to how life would have been
~ WiTh YoU ~

would have never been, would have never worked so all I can do is sit here and

* ReMeMbEr WhIlE *

I Contimplate the world and it's sweet embrace, while I pluck stars from

*ThE MiDnIgHt Sky*

What Beauty is.

The Most beautiful things in the world can not be seen or even touched they must be felt with the heart. ~ Helen Keller

In Germany I crossed the rhine, while singing
my Abc's and asking my mother about all the
things I could think of. She was beautiful, hair
of black and pale skin. And when she held my
hand, her touch was kind and loving. How the
years can be unkind to some.

In Oregon I played amongst evergreens,
douglas fir and picked blackberries until
my fingers bled. I kissed a boy beside a
creek and stole the wild pony named bubbles.
I learned to fly a kite on beach where mammoth
stones protruded from the waves.

In California I smiled in amazement
as the sun slid behind the horizon
like silk slides off the skin. I listened
to the silence of the redwood trees
and felt the earth as she trembled
in a sorrow filled sigh.

In Montana I climbed atop a mountain
and gazed upon a waterfall it's raging
water whispering of the snow and the
animals that visit her pools. I sat
above a river and contimplated life
under the rising yellow sun.

In Alaska I watched the rain fall
onto rocky shores while whales
displayed their wealth with a jump
and a splash. I watched as the
glaciers crumbled and rocked tiny
boats which sat below them.

In Tennesee I stood on a river that had flowed
backwards and cried for the caged eagle. I
talked to a man who believed in racism and
a man who thought one day He could change
the people who thought blacks were niggers
I hope that man gets his wish.

In my life, In my years though really they
are few. I have been around the globe, I
have heard songs made of dreams. I have
seen castles and Canyons, Glaciers and
green meadows. But I never knew what beauty
was until You showed me with your heart.

Until you held my hand, kissed my lips and
led me to the water where I could drink in
that love is not a game, not a toy and not
a deception. You showed me that real love
is unconditional, That even in anger, love still
exists..true love is real beauty.

Moving on.

I'm going to move on now.
But I'll look back always.
I'll see you here. Just as
you are, in no other way.

There may be new things,
new people, new places.
But yours is most familiar
amongst so many faces.

In my time, trivial at best.
I have forgotten simplicity.
I will find something new in
my life in an emerald city.

I won't forget what brought
me to the person I've become.
Giggles and whispers and tears
from when we were so young.

Always remember the night as
we danced in the pouring rain.
Heads held back, hands to sky,
laughing as we knew no pain.

Big city attitudes, in a tiny town.
glued down beds in corn fields.
Pushing old cars in graveyards
using snow to wash windshields.

Spray painted peace signs and
your driving shoes. that was us.
the cat gets tuna but we can eat
chocolate, man that was rough!

Yellow submarines on the transit.
Naked little bunnies on tabletops.
Vintage shoes, flannel shirts, all
the little things, way too much pot!

Party in a coffee pot, Jell-o shots
on a cookie sheet, whats in the sink?
growing up was all the rage, we did
it well. while your mom made a stink.

It can't be understood to anyone else.
time dwindled and we had to move on.
do you remember those times we had?
As long as we do they will never be gone.

The Stars

The stars were not
meant for me.
Not there to watch
as I fall asleep.
For her they shine
hidden from me.
Though she is I
and I am she.

At night they lie
in wait to watch.
Like time counting
on broken clock.
Minutes tap by
they do not stop.
Finding code for a
backwards lock.

The stars at night
for me they cry.
Listless, bereft
they wonder why.
I do not look to
darkened sky.
For Broken wings
will never fly.

Savage.

Tell me where you
must take me now.
Full of lies and
shattered vows.

Shaken by pearls
of insipid fools.
Masked fire rage
for marauders tools.

Scourged and raped
in public eye.
Faltering never,
not yet to cry.

Displayed by man
for sorrows sake.
Whipped for wisdom
pillaged for hate.

Beaten and shamed
for introspect.
Stolen and marred
there is nothing left.

Walk away intact and broken.

conjure your words with
many disconcerted alibi's.
Your words hurt, sting to
bone,but they are still lies.

Leave me alone, I'm not
of this charade you play.
I'm not fragile but I'm
not as strong as they say.

Would death take me, to
be free from your games.
would darkness hover if
dreaming would be sane.

No more pain. no more of
the emotional provoking.
My heart is broken, bitter
and numb from your jokings.

I can take no more. I spit
and rise from this position.
I am no property gleaned
in your sour acquisition.

I hate you, these words
are the apathetic truth.
results of tiresome games
the end of what people do.

See me as I scream, you
are happy, I am broken.
a sentiment lost in your
pocket full of tokens.

All I can say is kiss my ass.
And walk away.
Goodbye to you that sting.
today is not your day.

Where?

In simplicity, I lie back to
watch cottonwood drift by.
Like a whisper, floating on
grace, in time before the lie.

My heart swallowed joy in
a moment left to my youth.
Innocence reflected in my
mind long naive of the truth.

Rushing in, Heart exposed.
consequences, just a flame.
My dreams wild, my hopes
grand, all else just a game.

I was laughter, I was beauty
not what this world wanted.
I never cared, never worried,
I was in control, undaunted.

I faced all odds, overcoming,
never did I see the disaster.
crushed and broken, always
rebuilding my spirit after.

Time redeems, seeks to pull,
shreds and burns. Like it has.
Still I fear nothing, not your
words, my future or my past.

If death would I wake?

It lurks, within the depths.
taking over, consuming the
places which are yet mine.

Spreading like a plague set
deep in winters night. It
plots in critical design.

Life goes on, people go on.
I sit in haunted apathy, is
it fear? Am I to die young?

What of my children and my
love? Do I suffer to appease,
to believe I fought and won?

Thoughts are consuming, While
the cancer consumes me. Some
reality I lie with, die with.

Ringing phones, doctors calls,
assurance of the highest. yet
the silence is for what I wish.

The chemicals, They tire me, no
patience to be had. My stomach
turns from bitter betterments.

The children tiptoe past shuttered
room, Whisper now, do not awake
mother,to father we are sent.

I am not apt to reach that point
where they draw on silence to
quiet me in half day slumber.

I am not inclined to shut off the
light, lose away the greenery of
what may be a final summer.

So a choice is to be made of bleak
longevity or of weakened pains and
shaking to a quickened death.

Dare I drink the poison which may
save me? Or do I pass in grace with
a smile, with my hair as the rest?

Oh! The worry will take me before
the disease, The heartache will
kill me before they will know.

I wait, discouraged and afraid, I
wait to encounter what may not be.
I wait prepared, fear never to show

In this place

The river winds
as it always has
The trees still sway,
the same as the past.
But the setting is still
different somehow.
Though nothings changed
from then til now.
the exception being,
you are not here.
But I can still sense
your laughter here.
This place feels
alone and cold.
Haunting memories dance
through my mind so old.
I see us crying ..
for things that past.
I see us laughing for things that last.
It was so new then
so warm so elated.
Now it's gone
memories faded.
We will always be,
but in a different text.
We wait for tommorow what will come next?
I am here in this place
so unchanged.
But so far away,
So rearranged.
But our ghosts
still damce here.
Our laughter
still so near.
I will keep
the soft apparitions close.
As life goes on..
I will need them I know.
As I leave
I look back
I see your faces
you are all I lack.
But in this place
forever they live on......

Tatjanna Miller 1998

Acts of a feather

I spend the morning basking in
the streams of sunlight that bear
down through a half cracked,
dirty old window.

And with the breeze I am pushed
across the shelf, where I meet
the edge. Stop. think and whisk
over to my fate.

On the way down I am enticed by
the crossing breath of air and I am
moved by it. So, UP! I am tossed
like I mean to do so.

I travel gracefully about the room
until finally I grow tired of the motion
I seek a soft place to just lie, and let
to be alone.

So I spend the evening basking in the
gentle kisses of the sun as it pours in
through an old shut up window. And here
I remain quietly.

Snakes

Theres no peace in this world
from ravenous slime and
slickly covered thieves.

they hide behind open door,
under foot, Taking of your,
whatever they please.

What is it they steal? Your
time, your breath, the wallet
your possessions.

Do they take what is yours?
insipidsmiles, that draw from
sorrows deep dimensions.

They are sick with all the things
which they want, beg entitled.
at least in their minds.

Take your speech, your vision, maybe
your sanity and sometimes your
life. no bother to remind.

You are a wanted man, you and your
fine belongings, do they hiss with
murdurous, fabricted intentions?

Do they whisper what pleases? do
they dare to what teases are
these the things you want?

Your pocket is a home of green
and gold. These apathetic
gold diggers haunt.

They leave you weary and tired
do you search for something
Anything more?

At last you see the light.
Will you return them, kick them
haste them to the door.

And they never even said thank you.

Great Beasts under chair and in pocket.

I can't say what great beasts
lie under your chair, whence
relaxing for the unworked day.

I hear them growling and
snarling, like two large
fighting dogs in battle or play.

They wind snakelike claws up
wooden posts lying yellow
trails of rotting filth and mire.

Then retrieve my bills thank
me for the ride, scrunch their
nose and scorn me for the ire.

Greed and gluttony are keepers
of their play. Green eyed and
wanting not what is inside.

Beg you for possession, suck
til dehydration of your wealth
happiness and pride.

Birdlike

There she stands, An
olive maiden clade in fire and gold.
She caresses the sky with her palms
(nails of liquid amber) her hips sway,
feathers falling 'round soft kisses of skin.
Satins and silks move with a shaky silence
above places that may not be kissed, places,
that may not be touched. She moves with
stealth and grace as her arms move upward,
toward the god who would recieve her.
body glistening, in the flames sensual heat.
She sways, and haunts. Moves, and loves.
She bends, and shies. Her hair of hell
and her eyes of hazel. No drumbeats to
be heard. this dance is only for you.

A freewrite based on the Key words..Phoenix, dance

When no one listens

I dance when no one is
looking, a dance of sorrow,
Head held low hands to the
bright harvest moon.

No joy, to dance in glee.
just hopeless circles of
a life passed by and a
moment forgotten.

I write when no one is
reading, words of truth,
believed to be words of
some hellish fiction.

No lies or fables to be
told when, the skin still
bears the scars of her
own begotten torment.

I sing when there isn't
a soul to listen, The only
way out of a path beaten
by whip and fists of anger.

A waste to share this burden
when no one is there to share.
you take from this well when
it has been empty for years.

And it hurts, more then the
moment when the flesh was
opened at the surface, more
then the moment her love failed.

I envy not the gentle touch it
is a lie that will pass with the
angry moment, where control
is lost, and then dismissed.

I long no more for that love,
That to will seep through empty
fingers and only rise in pain.
lies from which I cringe.

The terror played over and over
years after she has forgotten.
after the apologies spilled forth
from an empty beer can, crushed.

The worthless child, still that, and
she places her anger in the mind
of one who still could have loved.
one who still could have been, Happy.

So I cry when no one listens, and
in the night, I wonder why this pain
won't go away, why it haunts me.
but no one hears, because no one listens.

Contest of indifference

What did you want
from broken pen?
The words that talk
yet have no end?

The same old words,
the same old thing.
no new beat or song
that we sing.

Yet we change. (do we change?)

I scratch at paper,
noise hitting nerves.
I ponder and think
for grace given words.

No, nothing so new
just heartaches of old.
It is always the same
or so I've been told.

So you search (have you found?)

Ire of the angel

Mountains swallowed by the
hate of a generation, sucked
under clouds of melting greed.

She stood proud in her place
adoring the innocent child.
The wrong she could not see.

Her wings folded and glowing
'neath ferverent blue skies.
her smile forever immortal.

She placed the child who could
not lie, upon soft green earth,
to ride upon beasts of sorrel.

The angel watched with love
with tender speak as her child
grew stealthy to multitudes.

Slowly, oh sorrow and pain
they had forgotten her.They
now walked in cobbled shoes

She sat in solace and watched
as her offspring forgot of love
forgot peace, forgot the truth.

The angel beckoned her children
from the lands of Hate and shame.
My children why are you so aloof?

What dismay has crossed your
paths, what sorrow brings you to
ire, to kill, why have you strayed.

Up the mountain behind her glory
one sneaks to take his vengence
on stealths, the angel to slay.

Her tears fall and vanquish upon
salty, cornered stone . She merely
spoke to enlighten, to teach them.

The stealthy steals into her light.
plants the silver blade 'tween soft
feathers of snow, in heart of friend.

And she says nothing to the agony to
the pain which slithers past her chest
she smiles and blue eyes hold true.

I am not your enemy, I'm am not a
nightmare, I take your fears, I beg
your needs. For I have loved you.

You have left love for hate and gifts
for greed. I will give you your wish
I will leave this world to it's wants

You will face no heart on amber dawn
I leave but my ire, my anger, I will
leave the destruction of your wrongs.

The angel stilled 'midst crimnson tide
she spoke no more and closed her
eyes. For love no longer came from she.

Mountains swallowed by the
hate of a generation, sucked
under clouds of melting greed.

Chance to the road

And doth' she roams the
winding road, 'tween the
sky and tree clad mountain.

Past rippling stream, hallowed
lakes and crystaline blue fountain.

And yes expanses
seem to tire upon
redundant field.

in honey like waves, gold and
brown that bring the soul to feel.

So forward I ride with no
concern of selfish mans
Sad folly.

Inspired by view of pretty brush,
oak, ash, and holly.

Be brave! I ride the road
that seems to have seen
no end.

missed is nothing I've seen
it all upon the path I wend.

That one thing.

Quiet contemplation fills
the heart that thinks of
more then the obvious.

Heartache has meaning
and the pain is a simple
long believing sacrifice.

in the silence, dreams
lie in simple contempt
The makers of sorrow.

Crushing, Raping and
stealing all thoughts all
hopes of tommorow

What the heart knows
is the one thing you
never could hold onto.

The sweetness you left
love, you turned away.
reasons red, now so blue.

That it was there was a lie,
An honest emotion stolen
by a small innocent fear.

Could you hold now, what
you left so sad, so broken
Can you kiss away tears?

A heart will always wait in
silent comprehension for it
knows what has been lost.

The bearer will seek no one
She will wait forever, always
a heart will know, no cost.

No vow of words can speak
beyond the pain lost love
can pronounce so clearly

Love holds onto nothing lest
a heart or a smile, it holds
nothing but what it holds dearly.

Solace in Shadows

Sit through the silence in the shadows.
The yellow day invading the space.
Alone, is not always a punishment.

Memories lie within the solace room.
A smile, a kiss, laughter of the ages
The grey is just a cover for the gold.

By myself, the abandon finds pace.
the stress of the mundane fades
Here the dreams conjure...Reality.

Taking now what I have forgotten.
drinking here what has melted
partaking of air we onced took.

The confusion of the world, A word
The mad rush of anxiety, A sound
The hollow emotion, A science.

So I sit in grand shadows and watch
as the world rushes through insanity
and gold daylight steals the dawn.

Happy to be who I am, where I am
content to be confused and alone
Alone, because here I find solace

Pulling

I need a sad song. One
to make me cry. One to
pull tears that won't come.

I want to force them free
let out a gasp as I choke
on memories now numb.

I want to weep for what
I know, for that in which
has rotted innocent mind.

I need to feel this, I want
to do this. I want sorrow
to be free, just one time.

I want to forget this wall
let it go, be held in some
kind arms. Just breathe.

Let it fade away forever.
let my soul rest. A few
moments of reprieve.

but here they lie behind
green eyes, sweet pools
of baby blue unspent.

Welling up like swollen
tide that will never see
the shore sand unswept.

But never falling, never
stinging, never leaving
salty chalk like stains.

Never giving me respit
from this hollow hearts
forever grasping pain.

Seperation (dark)

Overused and weak with
want. The filth rises to the
surface. Skin like tuesdays
trash. Rancid and fouled.

Cut to make me bleed to
wash away the hate and
disdain. Just to watch me
bleed like everyone else.

SO I spread ensanquined
arms to watch satisfaction
run like a seeping spring
to silently curled fingers.

Blade, the color of comfort
silky edges to sooth what
pain lies beyond my feigned
smile. Forgetting the hurt.

Teeth clenched, severence is
made. And then a sigh as the
tears slip in crimnson tides.
release and let go. It's better.

I long to wash the filth away.
leave the mire to the murk,
smile without the lies. Rise
above this parish of doubt.

The end quickens and I am
the habit, My own hands the
drug. Eyes closed, I can breathe
for the whore is gone, Awashed.

The ugly girl departed, lost in
my comfort, lost in the dark
that crawls through thickened
veins and into the thin vile air.

Masquerade

Hold the mask before
your face so that no
one else will see.

Sonata playing for
the lovers, ripped
from some fantasy.

Dressed this way
we all blend in a
circus show of freaks.

Hiding dreams and
misfortune we don't
care for what you seek.

Don't remove your
feathered ..mask the
truth may hurt to much.

revealing all you wanted,
needed. Show them
that you are such.

Velviteen and satin
gowns, wisp away
your laden thoughts.

Lose yourself in their
dance,don't remember
when it stops.

Who am I? they laugh
and taunt in a good
game of charades.

When it's over you
don't know it was
just a masquerade.

Tragic loss of miscommunication

I'm stuck between worlds.
Just hovering above you
and floating below me.

I've dreamed this moment
A black sun with red glow
red day with blue tears.

This makes no sense to me
how you hate to love me
yet you love to use me.

So you belittle my senses
you agonize my emotion
and worship my body.

I guess one day I'll let go.
unravel what entwines
spit on your memory

If I could, what I would do.
If only you were me
and if I were you

That shade before your eyes
blocks nothing from me
I hate you the same.

Do I not make clear how I feel?
Theres no satisfaction.
You'll never know.

What keeps you

Here a moment where the silence
drifts into a gentle voice, calling.
Desire pushed to the edge. keep
the distance, turn away, Falling

Be watchful of my state, this is
not who I am or ever what I do.
caress your skin, kiss my brow.
this is not me. this is not you.

Not but petty thieves, you and I.
Stealing what is already given.
Shh. say no words, be here now
Tomorrow we may go on living.

The dawn ascends and the music
is but a note that holds us here.
Thoughts drift to when we were
close. The time I held you near.

Inhale as the heart stills a beat.
as the memories blaze through.
exhale and the secret remains.
the days run on, life continues.

Taking Flight

Taking Flight

heres the inspiration for your listening enjoyment:)








I watched as the road stretched
under wearied and aching foot.
As the sky melted from blue to
A mysterious drenching gold.

And I have wanted nothing more
then to be free. To shake this
corroded skin. To ignore the
sympithetic lies i've been told.

All these years shivering like a
fox in green thorny underbrush.
Lost, only wanting to be better
to be real in my own hazel eyes.

I have cleansed my soul of illness
loved who I have hated and opened
my eyes to the possibilities. seeking
the very thing I had learned to despise.

This angel never had the chance to
fall. Unused wings never kissed the
stars, but after all these years after
all the tears the angel will learn to fly.

Opening feathers of white, she extends
her reach and embraces the air.the
call of freedom eminating from the
mornings amber crowned skies.

And she soars high above it all. Above
the heat, the hate and the pain. this
is left to the cities, which now lie far
below in a haze of grey and white.

Finally she lives, she feels and breathes
what she has never known. for one
glorious second she knows freedom
only comes when the angel takes flight.

Taking Flight

Taking Flight

heres the inspiration for your listening enjoyment:)








I watched as the road stretched
under wearied and aching foot.
As the sky melted from blue to
A mysterious drenching gold.

And I have wanted nothing more
then to be free. To shake this
corroded skin. To ignore the
sympithetic lies i've been told.

All these years shivering like a
fox in green thorny underbrush.
Lost, only wanting to be better
to be real in my own hazel eyes.

I have cleansed my soul of illness
loved who I have hated and opened
my eyes to the possibilities. seeking
the very thing I had learned to despise.

This angel never had the chance to
fall. Unused wings never kissed the
stars, but after all these years after
all the tears the angel will learn to fly.

Opening feathers of white, she extends
her reach and embraces the air.the
call of freedom eminating from the
mornings amber crowned skies.

And she soars high above it all. Above
the heat, the hate and the pain. this
is left to the cities, which now lie far
below in a haze of grey and white.

Finally she lives, she feels and breathes
what she has never known. for one
glorious second she knows freedom
only comes when the angel takes flight.

Innocence

I want what innocence has.
pink flowers, glowing sunlight
and giggles under amber trees.

I want to spin circles, jumprope,
blow bubbles, Hopscotch, tell
secrets and catch bumble bees.

I don't want to forget the meaning
of youth, for then my body, my eyes,
my skin and voice may forget too.

I may get caught up in things that
the adults do. Like working, and
saying that this house is a zoo.

I want to sit crosslegged on the
emerald lawn and pick out animals
from fluffy white clouds in blue sky.

To pick clover flower and eat the tops,
color my cheeks with dandelion and
find a hundred uses for the word why?

I want what innocence had.
Ice cream trucks, Bicycles and
the closest friends to share it with.

Unbreakable

Walk with me now. After
all of this pain and sorrow
I need your touch, I need
this hope for tommorow.

Dream with me. I have set
no limits, no barrier, no wall.
I need this moment, I need
this safety to break my fall.

Hold me in your arms, dry
away all of these tears.
then kiss me, make believe
you control all of my fears.

I promise I won't break I will
not faulter, with you beside me.
I can be strong, look past these
If you are all that I can see.

If you are leaving then I beg
you to haunt me. be my ghost.
For in all of my dreams and in
all of my life I loved you most.

The Music

The notes move like the ripples
upon a still silent water. Sliding
outward with grace and beauty.

Upwards and outwards, like my
soul. spreading wings of glory
inspiration and hope it's duty.

Limbs awake from a slumber it
is as if I am waking from the
depths of a winters dream.

My mind fresh, the world new
there must be words that can
answer this radiant beam.

I unfold before you like the soft
petals of a dew heavy rose. I
search each note as it falls.

I twirl to chase each sound as it
rises, floats and drifts. I beg to
follow wherever it may call.

Over and under, these words
cannot bring you the sound,
the grace that kisses my ears.

A rythym, a beat and a tune
blushed only by a haunting
note, how I wish you to hear.

And then a silence. My heart
trembles as the end has at
last come to epic song.

Dare I repeat, to listen again
If I should I fear the depth of
meaning will be all but gone.

Beloved

Sweet blue eyes and white
skin. No other love will I
ever know so true again.

From the moment we met
I loved you. you were but
a moment, a passing wind.

Your tiny fingers gripping
my hand. Smile so bright
like none I have ever known.

I want to falter, to give up.
I want to find you, and make
you mine.My son, my own.

If I never hear your name,
never see your face, if I
never feel your sweet touch.

Will I forget you? Will I lose
you, those memories I fight
to keep within so much?

I see you in my dreams, but
I can't touch you there, I can
not defend you or protect you.

And my heart is ripped from
my chest as you fade from my
grasp, dissipate, fade from view.

Do you know me? Do you know
my name? I have never stopped
being mommy, nore you my child.

I want you in my arms, to know
you are safe. Still real, not a
dream if not for a little while.

For My dearest son Brad.

What of the snow

What of the snow that fell the
day you left? Did it cast upon
you hope and purity?

You left prints in the clean white
crust. A lingering proof I had
lost my love, my security.

White flakes slowly fill your
steps. They cannot fill the
empty space in my heart.

What of the snow as it piles
between us. A cold wall that
keeps us forever apart.

And I breath upon frosted panes
watching for your arrival always
knowing the vigil is in vain.

I watch as iron sky falls gracefully
like a shackle bound to me. My
tears poisened with your pain.

Tell me, What of the snow when
you have left? What of the promises
now that you are really gone?

What of the days when we would
sit quietly and listen and sing the
melodic notes of "our" song?

The sky opens her restless arms
and cries frozen tears. Your trail
of sorrow has been erased.

But the memory is here. whispered
in every corner of my heart. and
every ounce of this place.

So what of the snow?
tell me again.

A Mystery ( not to be known)

You, The dream I had often held
like a child holds a curiosity.
Dark eyes and deep thoughts
like some unknown mystery.

What I would give to feel you.
to know your hallowed pain.
To live each moment washed
ashore, drenched in the rain.

What would I do to know your
story and touch your secrets.
I would relish them, taste them
like your kiss upon my lips.

The story of a man, a legend left
in a bitter, crumbling old shell.
You are but a fragment of that
which makes you so very real.

OH! But you live with this passion
you live your dream, be it dark.
I long to feel your words, let them
settle like weights upon my heart.

They look upon your soul with a
gaze of fear and selfish contempt.
And I wonder, Why do they ask who
you are instead of where you went.

Maybe I'm misguided, naive and a
bit silly to search for your reprieve.
yet I know, I have seen the angel
in black that only you could be.

So I stand on shaking ground you
give no hints of how far I may go.
Have I crossed a border drawn a
line of which only you would know?

And time dwindles, wasting away.
I shall move , fade then disappear.
With not a word, gesture nor motion
left quiet the words I long to hear.

I will leave but a solatairy tear to
mourn for the man I did not know.
Who kept his heart. Kept his dream
to none, not I would he ever show.

He will become a moment of which
I will never want to leave to time.
He would only speak in riddles. I
think, if only he had spoke in rhyme.

Between Worlds

Somewhere between worlds I enjoyed
the companionship of your touch.
And you eyed my purple scarf with
the look of a Mischievous cat.

Somewhere between worlds I melted
in your poetic lingering kisses.
While your hands brushed the sides of
my shirt, hands with curiosity.

On a bus ride one day I collided with
your envious stare, I am struck.
A train wreck waiting to happen you look
like a pigeon with ingenious vows.

I had forgotten your name, but it spills
from requited lips, like a hymnal.
And your gaze of sky and snow locks
into my stare of utter disbelief.

My mind wonders to the moment when I
knew you and you knew my love.
When bodies touched in an impatient rage
quickening like a lightening bolt.

At dawn I slipped down stairs of shadowed
welcome and so I left you to dream.
I have forgotten your crazy ideals and trivial
games of introspect, want and worry.

Until that fateful bus accident where I was
entangled in metal and emotion.
Where your kiss slid off my lips like the words
to a smooth orchestral interlude.

Somewhere between worlds I knew you like no
other had ever known you before.
Silky skin breathing a vast field of complacent
colors. Touching my fingers and lips.

Somewhere between worlds, you were not a
stranger. You were mine alone.
Your thoughts,your hopes. And while no one
made a sound, we said it all.